Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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