I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
