you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
