Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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