note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
