You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
