Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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