You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
