my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
