I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
