found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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