I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
