I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
