the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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