You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
