Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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