Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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