dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
