i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
