There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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