you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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