So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
