So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
