She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
