Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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