I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
