i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
