i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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