it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
