It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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