ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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