i think my mom watched the whole time
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
