Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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