i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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