nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
