i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
