I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
