I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
