I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
