I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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