I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
