totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
