life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Randomize
