Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
