So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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