I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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