Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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