he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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