woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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