you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize
