Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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