Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
