Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
