Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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