somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
